Jesus of the 2nd Chance

So I recently learned about this cool non-profit called People of the Second Chance. They're pretty much what they sound like, on the site it states -

"People of the Second Chance gives voice to a scandalous movement of radical grace in life and leadership. We challenge the common misconceptions about failure and success and stand with those who have hit rock bottom in their personal and professional lives. We are a community that is committed to stretch ourselves in the areas of relational forgiveness, personal transparency, and advocate for mercy over judgment."

Hmm, sounds a bit like this Jewish dude from way back in the day. I really love the idea of reaching out in grace and mercy to those who have failed, who have screwed up, who have hit the very bottom. I can't really think of much else that is more Christ-like.

I love that Jesus spent time with the sluts and whores, the disabled and lower-class. I love that he met people where they were, not demanding that they rise to a certain standard before he offered them truth, life, healing and restoration. I love that Jesus said -

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

I love Luke 22:32. I love that Jesus knew Peter would fail, that he would betray him. But yet even there he is praying for Peter beyond his failure, already looking past Peter's betrayal to his 2nd chance.

And I love that he's not surprised when I screw up or fall short. That even in the midst of my failures he's there working with me through the process. That with unfailing mercy he's brought me through my second chance . . . and third . . . and ninety-seventh . . .

One of the most shameful things in our culture is to fail at something. We use failures as warnings, to frighten people into working better or trying harder. We especially scorn those who have failed because of their own selfishness, laziness, or incompetence. But maybe, as those who have received a second chance, we are uniquely qualified to share with others that failure is not the end of the story. But it can be a beautiful beginning.

Hope Deferred . . . Then Misplaced . . . And Finally Abandoned

Saturday night I climbed into bed, tried to calm my racing mind, then finally woke up my wife and asked her to pray for me. I was trembling, drowning in anxiety and suffocated by feelings of dread. Apparently panic attacks really aren't that fun.

It's such a humbling experience to be so helpless. Reason and logic were not sufficient to overwhelm the crushing weight of anxiety. I could do nothing but ask my wife to hold me, and ask Father to rescue me. The next morning I woke with my mind calm, but questions as to why this happened.

It's true that work has been a little more stressful lately (compounded of course by the fact that I thoroughly hate it). With summer coming to an end I'm facing my usual "oh crap here comes months of winter" depression. Our lease on our apartment is coming to an end and they don't want to let us renew it for less than a year. I was hoping to be out of Syracuse in less than a year, but I really hate the thought of moving to a new apartment for the third time in four years.

But still, I think it may be something deeper. I think this may stem from a very damaging agreement that I made years ago. It may be the result of a subtle thought that has gradually grown into an actual life philosophy.

In college I majored in Economics and minored in Finance. I took a couple courses that were about "Financial Planning" (I even briefly considered this as a career). A financial planner is just someone who works with a person to help them be financially prepared for various life goals. They'll help the person with a variety of matters, including having money saved for retirement, college for their children, etc.

One of the first things you learn in Financial Planning classes is the idea of "managing expectations". This just means making sure your client's expectations are realistic. If your client expects a 30% return, but their investments return 20%, they'll be disappointed. If you help them realize that a 15% return would be excellent, then a 20% return would be a very nice surprise.

I had no trouble grasping this concept, because it was something I had been doing pretty much my entire life. I learned at a young age that reality rarely (if ever) lived up to my expectations. I learned that hoping for something was simply a precursor to disappointment. And so I taught myself to expect little, to plan for the worst, and then to be pleasantly surprised if something good happened.

Little did I realize that this approach to life was self-sabotaging at best. Little did I realize that all those verses in the Bible about hope were actually important.

I'm learning that living without hope isn't a way to defend myself from being disappointed. It's not even living. Yes, at times it seems that disappointment and heartache is inevitable. And maybe sometimes it is. But maybe hope isn't what sets me up for disappointment. Maybe hope is what brings me through it.

I'm going to try to let go of "hoping" for a specific desired outcome. I've been "hoping" to get out of New York. I've been "hoping" to find a job I don't hate. I've been "hoping" the Yankees win another World Series this year.

But what if my hope is not an outcome, but a person? What if my hope isn't for something to happen, but rather for someone to be intimately involved in whatever my future brings?

"Managing expectations" has been my code phrase for trading hope for a bleak resignation that life brings only disappointments. I'm trying to let go of managing my expectations. I'm even going to try to let go of all my expectations, other than the constant hope that Father will be with me through it all.

Because if Father is part of my future, how can I not have hope?

Will You Sing Me A Song?

This song has been one of my favorites, especially lately -

Other songs stuck in my head lately?

Beggars by Thrice

4th of July by Soundgarden

Why Go by Pearl Jam

Stuff Christians Like

Anybody else follow Jon Acuff's "Stuff Christians Like" blog? He does a "serious Wednesday" post each week. I thought the last two were awesome, especially the one on shame vs. share. Check 'em out:

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/07/cause-and-effect/

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/07/3388/

Grace Misunderstood

Romans 6:1 - What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase?

I honestly always thought this was one of the stupidest verses in the Bible. As someone who grew up in the church, I was quite (painfully) aware of the horrific consequences of sin. I had learned that the hallmark of a Christian life was a noticeable lack of sin. I did my best to avoid publicly stumbling lest I "compromise my witness".

And so I always thought that in the above verse Paul was addressing a group of spectacularly ignorant Christians. Sin more?! What kind of idiotic idea is that?! Sin is the worst thing in the world!

To me, grace was simply what covered sin. I didn't understand the reasoning of this question. I thought more sin simply equaled just enough grace to cover it, so you ended up just where you started. I also feared a point where God would simply reach the end of his patience and wash his hands of me.

Sin more? No thank you.

But lately Father has tenderly and affectionately invited me to experience the riches of his grace. As he has opened my eyes to the incredible depths of his love, I'm learning that maybe that question isn't as stupid as I thought it was. Maybe I've just grossly undervalued grace.

I'm starting to think that grace isn't just something that covers up my bad stuff so I can go to heaven when I die. I think grace is the means by which I know Father. Grace is what ushers me in, what joins my heart to his. Grace is the space in which I find my truest God-given identity. It is where I come alive. It is where I know, and am known. Where I love, and am loved.

I recently heard a story by Wayne Jacobsen (I think he heard it from someone else). This helped me gain a better understanding of grace:

A clergyman died and went to heaven. He arrived at the pearly gates to find Peter there.

"Do I get in?" he asked Peter.

"I don't know," Peter responded. "How many points do you have?"

"Points?" the man asked. "I didn't know I needed points."

"Why yes, you need points."

"How many points do I need?"

"You need 100 points to get in," Peter told the man.

"Huh," the man responded. "Well, I worked in a soup kitchen for 20 years."

"That's not bad," Peter said. "I'll give you a point for that."

"A point per year?" the man inquired.

"No, just one point," Peter replied.

"Umm, well, I was a pastor for 20 years."

"Hmm," Peter mused. "Ok, I'll give you another point."

The man started wracking his brain for ideas. After a little while he realized that there was no way he could come up with enough points to get in. Just then, a businessman he knew from his time on earth approached the pearly gates.

The man walked past both of them, waved at Peter, and strolled straight through the gates.

"Wait . . . how many points did he have?" the man asked.

"Who, him?" Peter replied. "He's not playing this game."

Am I playing that game? Am I meticulously keeping score and demanding what I "deserve" accordingly? Or am I learning to live in a state of grace?

But what if this grace simply permission to sin as much as I want?

I heard Darin Hufford make an interesting observation on a recent podcast. He addressed this issue of "being loved by God no matter what means we have a license to sin". The idea that the unconditional nature of the Father's love will somehow lead to people thinking they can sin all they want since God loves them regardless.

Darin spoke of a wedding. The bride and groom commit to each other for life, promising to stand with each other for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc. Never is that followed by the bride or groom immediately asking, "So I can cheat on you, right?" Why do we assume that embracing the Father's love and grace will lead to sin and self-indulgence? Are we not rescued by his love? Are we not freed by his grace?

I don't know if I really have the answer, but I do know that every time he wins me with love, sin is the farthest thing from my mind. Shall I sin more so that grace may increase? By no means. But I am developing a greater appreciation for this wonderful gift.

Who's the Enemy?

I've been working late since my boss has been on vacation. Yesterday afternoon after everyone else had gone home I got a phone call from someone who is . . . well, not my favorite person. He's incredibly difficult to deal with, snarky in tone and unpleasant in general. This is someone who doesn't really care about anything other than getting his own way, regardless of what it costs or who he has to manipulate. We had a difficult conversation regarding a particular matter, and I found it amazing how one day (or in this case, the rest of the week) can be so easily ruined by one person.

This morning, as I've been working more on this matter, I've found myself so angry with this person that I frankly wanted to punch them in the face. The sheer selfishness and disregard for others enraged me. For the past few hours I've struggled in the midst of this, trying to not be overwhelmed by bitterness and resentment.

It's so easy to take offense to being walked on, to having my competence questioned. It's so easy to dig in my heals, draw the line in the stand, and refuse to back down. It's so easy to fly to the defense of self, to the defense of my pride.

Father, give me eyes to see this person. Give me a heart of understanding, to look for ways to bring healing to brokenness. Father, you have loved me with love unfailing. Forgive me for failing so quickly to love others.

Matthew 5:3 (The Message) - You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

Escapism

This past weekend we went up to the Adirondacks. Becca's been under some work-related stress lately, but you could see a visible transformation in her countenance as we got closer and closer to Old Forge. She was arriving at a place that was safe, happy, and full of good memories.

I started to wonder if I had a "happy place" (no, not there you perverts). I tend to have an "escapist" mentality. I find refuge in books, or sometimes in movies, tv shows, or video games. Even in living vicariously through a sports team. I long for a world filled with meaning and significance, a world very different from this one filled with bureaucracies and petty people with overinflated egos.

I like to read about adventure, the more wild and fanciful the better. I like to read about love and sacrifice, good people fighting for what is good, fighting for justice. I like to read about broken people finding redemption. I like to read about goodness winning in the end, against all odds.

But isn't that what this reality is supposed to be about? Aren't we engaged in an epic struggle, the forces of light against the forces of darkness? Are we not involved in this clash between two kingdoms, a fight for the hearts of the lost? Have I not been entrusted to share with others a love that has existed before the beginning of Time? Is there not a King, and is he not wonderful and beautiful and glorious? Is he not kind and wise and generous? Has he not sacrificed everything to rescue those in captivity? And does he not invite us to share in this Life?

But how do I engage that reality while sitting in my cubicle, staring at my computer, doing whatever it is I do for 8+ hours a day? In a world filled with such petty and superficial concerns, how do I reorient myself to recognize the adventure and significance that surrounds me?

I planned on listening to my mp3 player this morning on the bus, so I didn't have a book with me. Of course, one of my earbuds broke, so I was forced to try to listen through only one "bud". I feel that's an apt metaphor for my life, listening with one ear to half of a song, trying to discern the meaning and rhythm. I watch life pass by, occasionally catching a glimpse of a deeper reality, but mostly just confused or distracted. How do I live?