Frustrated

I feel frustrated. I feel stifled, stymied, stuck, stagnant. I feel like I've put life on hold until our next "big move" and I'm sick of it. I want to engage, share life, explore relationships, delight in others, tackle adventures, walk with God.

I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching life pass by. I'm tired of putting off life events because we're not in the right place for them yet. I'm tired of paying rent instead of having a house . . . tired of living in Syracuse instead of a vibrant city teeming with life and opportunities . . . tired of dying slowly in a gray cubicle instead of working at a job that challenges and fulfills.

But I'm also scared of putting down roots here. I'm scared of settling for something dull and boring and soul-crushing. I'm scared that if we have kids and find a house here, even if we just say it's "for a couple years", I'll wake up one morning 30 years from now wondering what happened to my life.

Is that an incredibly selfish way to look at things? Yes, yes it is.

 I want to walk with God through this journey, I really do. I want to relax into the reality of His love, of knowing that everywhere I am is somewhere good because I'm there with Him.

But I am scared. And I am frustrated.

And I sit here in this uncomfortable tension between forcing a change and resigning myself to the present reality. Every job I've had (except for one) has pretty much been offered to me out of the blue. Only once did I get a job by going out and looking and applying (and that turned out to be a month of hell). Do I wait for God to bring me to the next step? Or am I being passive and lazy by not actively pursuing opportunities?

I know the answer, that's the crazy part. I know the answer is simply to let go of this and walk with God and only be concerned about where we are today and what's going on right now. I know a journey with Father that takes me to a place I'd never expect is infinitely better than a trek on my own to my desired location.

But I'm still scared. I'm still frustrated.