Messiness

Lately my biggest frustration has been . . . me.  I know there are myriad issues I need to work on, to grow in, to resolve.  One of my biggest weaknesses, however, has been facing issues head-on.  I am the king of ignoring, of finding distractions, of burying my head in the sand.

So time goes by and nothing gets better.  I don't even know how to talk out loud about this, words fail me every time I try.  I'm so far from where I feel I should be and for the life of me I can't see a path that gets me there.

Tearing everything down and starting over is an incredibly seductive idea.  I don't know how to be the person I'm supposed to be and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying.  Neither running away or clinging to the status quo seems like a viable option.

So I may crumble.  I may fall apart.  I may be on the verge of becoming a complete mess for a little while.  I'm not handling life very well at the moment.  And trust me, no one is sicker of all these "wha-wha" moments than I am.

But I am more fortunate than many.  I have a wonderful wife, good family, and the most fantastic friends you could ever ask for.  I feel like I need to apologize to them all in advance for the fact that I'm going to be bleeding all over them for a while.

Even though I keeping saying this, I never do it - I need to let go.  Timelines, expectations, goals, aspirations . . . I'm like that guy spinning plates.  No matter how much I run from one to another, I can barely keep them from falling.  Well, maybe some of them need to fall.

I don't know what Father has been saying to me lately.  I haven't really been listening.  I suspect he's simply been inviting me to know him, to find rest and peace and life in him.  Why does something so simple seem so impossible?

All I can do is stress about jury duty and work and rent and car payments and not having my shit together.  Even when I'm ignoring things, burying myself in the latest distraction, I'm not truly at rest.  It's more that I'm immobilized by fear and stress.  When things get too intense, I just shut down.

So let's try this again . . . for the 22nd time or whatever.  Let's try letting go of stuff I really don't need to be holding onto.  Let's try being active in rest, rather than passive in turmoil.