Emotions? WTF mate?

A busy and somewhat emotionally charged weekend continued today. It seems I'm gathering a new appreciation for the wonderful friends in my life. Yesterday I came across something from an old friend that really helped redeem a crappy day/week/month. Today I went to a roller derby bout (pretty freakin' awesome btw) and got to hang out with some good friends. And in the midst of it all I even got to talk on the phone to my best friend for a bit.

Yes, I'm almost 27 and I still have a best friend. A BFF or whatever kids these days call it. It's one of those amazing friendships where even though life gets in the way and we don't connect for months at a time . . . as soon as we see each other it's like we were never apart. He's closer to me than a brother and yet again I feel guilty about doing such a poor job of keeping in touch.

But anyway, I feel more vulnerable than I have in months (probably years). It's like my defenses are slowly destroyed by the wonderful times I've spent just being with people I love and who actually love me. For much of the past 30 hours or so I've felt on the edge of tears. Maybe it's just that time of month (yes, I made a PMS joke, live with it).

I find myself slowly becoming more invested in the lives of others. Recently, other friends finally closed on a house after a long, difficult process. I'm so happy for them! Yes, I know, chastise me as you will, but that's rare for me. Not that I'm necessarily mean or uncaring toward others. But I had mistakenly believed that it was wise to keep from caring too much. The way I protected my heart was to remove it far away from possible disappointments or let-downs.

For me, the hardest part of having close friendships is knowing that one day they probably won't be there. Or at least they won't be the same. People grow, get married, have kids, move to other cities. We say we'll talk, write, e-mail, keep in touch. And it's probably unfair to have those expectations. But we do it anyway.

I have a hard time letting go. I want to be bestest friends with everyone forever! Maybe I'm finally starting to learn that their are seasons in life, and sometimes some friends are only close for that season. And maybe I need to learn to be able to say "I have truly loved and valued our time together. I really hope to see you again."

It's too late, I'm rambling. I always do this. Then I read what I wrote the next day and hate it. I always seem to hate my past selves. But hey, that's a depressing rant for another day.