So everything is about me. Surely you've figured that out by now. What's wonderful is that I am this truly amazing blend of paranoia and narcissism. I fear that others don't like me. That they tolerate me. That they see through this flimsy facade to the ugliness underneath.
Since everything is about me, I imagine that others are always thinking and talking about me. Since I'm paranoid, I believe it's all negative. So now my life is a series of reactions to imagined negative thoughts about me. Wow, that's healthy.
No joke, when people in the office start whispering I immediately have a sinking feeling in my stomach. "Oh no, what did I screw up? What did I do wrong now? How much trouble am I in?"
And it's never about me. None of my co-workers have ever been anything less than kind and gracious and friendly. I've been blessed with an amazing boss. But still, that murky fears always lurks just beneath the surface.
On a somewhat related note, I've been struggling for years with the idea of being loved by God. Lately I've felt like a rebellious child, always pushing a little further to see if he still loves me. I do something just a little more selfish, a little more indulgent, a little more stupid. Does he still love me now? How ugly do I have to make myself before he stops?
In the past, when I had screwed up, I always found myself running from God. This has a lot to do with my past perception of who he is. Lately, even after I've just finished doing something incredibly stupid, I've dared to take a look over my shoulder. Just to see his reaction.
Each time, I've been disarmed by his love. Each time, I've seen nothing but eyes full of kindness and arms reaching out in affection. Each time, he's affirmed that I cannot remove or disqualify myself from being loved by him. Each time, my heart is won to him.
I'm getting tired of pushing the envelope. I'm still not convinced he always loves me, but I'm quickly running out of excuses to doubt his love. I don't deserve it, I've made my peace with that. But somehow, and I don't understand this, his love has nothing to do with how well I've performed. I'm slowly becoming okay with that.
Wild! I feel like I just read something that I wrote. I'm not sure if I should congratulate you or offer my condolences. Let's just say that I can relate.
ReplyDeleteSo this reply is long overdue. I'll accept both the congratulations and condolences, and return to you the same. I've enjoyed following your blog, and your honesty has always been very refreshing. Thanks :)
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