So . . . what now?

This isn't really what I envisioned when I made the leap and started a blog. I knew that writing stuff down was the best way for me to process whatever I'm going through. But so far my posts have just been a vomit of inner struggles and insecurities. I'm more comfortable being whimsical, goofy . . . superficial. I love to laugh. I love to make other people laugh.

Maybe that's part of why this has been rather dark and uncomfortable. This has been an outlet to share what I can't say in a face-to-face conversation. My interactions with others are carefully constructed and manipulated to be fun and shallow. I wear masks, bury myself beneath layers of joke-filled defense mechanisms, and project an image of easy-going and happy-go-lucky.

I watch from over my shoulder as people have a conversation with one of the fake me's. With narrowed eyes and a calculating mind I gauge their reactions to my words, my gestures, my facial expressions. I learn how to make other people chuckle with a barely appropriate quip, how to make others feel like I'm actually listening and caring as they pour our their worries and struggles.

I file this info away for later, so I can pull out the right combo of attributes to be a "good friend". Someone they can like. And in the midst of it all I loathe my fakeness, my blatant hypocrisy. I long to rip off the mask, to make a true connection with another person. I want to be weak and insufficient, but still loved and valued.

I care much too much about what other people think, this is one of the main reasons I work so hard to be "likable". I'm incredibly vain for someone whose appearance is so . . . meh. In the blink of an eye I swing from judging others through a lens of self-righteousness and pride to cowering in a dark corner under the weight of my own self-judgment and disdain.

But then in the midst of it all I hear the Father's gentle voice. So what do I do? I run from it! I try to drown it out with stupid and temporal concerns. I turn up the volume on the baseball game, stick in my ear buds from my mp3 player, or bury my nose in a book. Why do I turn away from what I need most? Especially when it's being offered for free.

In all honesty I am being a little over-dramatic. I do really like my friends, and most of the time my attempts to be a good friend are born out of appreciation for the wonderful people in my life. However, more often than is comfortable to admit, my motives are stained with self-interest and fear. It's a journey and a struggle to grow comfortable with myself, to be honest and authentic with others, to allow Father to speak to my heart. I hope that someday this blog will be full of posts about graciousness and love. But until then . . .