The Power of Shame

I want to write more, I feel that urge.  I also don't want to make it an obligation or chore, because then I will resent it and not do it.  But lately I've been feeling that it's somehow important for me to write consistently.

I generally only write when I'm trying to process something.  Lately there have definitely been things I'm trying to process, but not exactly things I want to reveal in a public way (even if no one reads this).

So, in broad terms, let's talk about shame.  And maybe about expectations and agendas.

There's no doubt that shame is an incredible motivator for getting people to behave in a certain fashion.  And in some cases it is used to "help" people avoid doing something that is damaging to themselves or others.  Does that mean that shame can be a good thing?  Is it a case of the end justifying the means?

I tend to think not.  I think what shame actually does is disguise the true dangers of unhealthy behaviors.  It's a quick and easy fix, but not a very good one.  Shame can keep someone from doing something that's wrong, but only up until the point that the satisfaction from that wrong behavior is greater than the shame that's associated with it.

The more public the shame, the more a person will be willing to put up with in order to not experience it.  But there is still a point that the situation becomes so unbearable that the threat of being shamed is no longer enough to hold them back.

Let's take divorce for an example.  In the christian community, there's a lot of public shame associated with a divorce.  It's considered a four letter word in many churches.  Therefore, a spouse will often be willing to put up with quite a bit of unhappiness (even tolerating abuse in some cases) before it reaches a point that getting a divorce is "worth it".

The fear generally seems to be that if we remove the shame factor, there will be nothing holding people back from all sorts of unhealthy behaviors.  I think that ignores a number of factors.  I don't have the time or space to get into them all right now, but I think it ignores such things as our new natures, how we naturally live when we have a clear picture of who God is and who we are, etc.

But the point I'm slowly trying to make is that maybe the removal of shame lets us finally take a look at the actual issues causing our unhappiness in situations or our desires to indulge in unhealthy behaviors.

With shame as the motivation to stay in an unhappy marriage, both spouses can avoid talking about what's actually contributing to their problems.  If the goal is simply to avoid shame by sticking it out, then they miss an incredible opportunity to be honest and vulnerable and delve deep into issues and try to find healing and restoration together.

Shame is kind of like a bandage that covers a wound that is festering and spreading infection throughout the body.  Ripping off the band-aid may not be a pleasant experience, but I think it lets us address the underlying issues.  And I believe that as we do that, we find God's grace healing that wound in ways we never could have imagined.

I also tend to think this ties into the issue of expectations, but I'll try to tackle that another time.