I was raised in a Christian family, attended church very regularly, and heard hundreds of sermons growing up. For the most part, the pastors at the churches I attended were good people and for the most part there wasn't necessarily a lot that was wrong in the sermons.
But somehow I still grew up with this view of God as Someone who was distant, disengaged, and indifferent. I've always had kind of a hard time figuring out exactly why that was. I had been told God was love, that he desired relationship, etc. Then, seated in a Sunday morning service and listening to a sermon on prayer, it finally clicked. I finally realized that the vast majority of sermons/teachings/books were focused on only one side of the relationship.
Mine.
It's been pounded into my brain that I need to maintain my relationship with God, I need to fix things when they're broken, I need to find ways to strengthen it. It's all up to me.
I need to pray more, read more, commit more. I need to fix my flaws, unearth my hidden sins, change my heart.
I . . . I . . . I . . .
Even without it ever being said explicitly, the clear implication is that I am the initiator in my relationship with Father. I need to say a prayer to start it, I need to do certain things to keep it healthy, I need to avoid certain things so I don't lose or damage the relationship.
So is it any wonder I saw God as indifferent if I was the only one working at this relationship? Thankfully he began to win me out of that illusion, showing me that he was the initiator, he was the one reaching out, he was the one invested in our relationship even when I was distracted or flaking out.
And I think scripture bears that out. Whether you take the creation story as literal or figurative, it was God beginning the process. It was God who started the conversations with Abraham and Noah. It was God who came to live with us in human form. Just look at how Jesus interacted with people. He started the conversation with the Samaritan woman at the well. He approached fishermen and invited them to join him as his disciples.
Jesus didn't act much like my picture of God. He wasn't unapproachable. He didn't keep to himself or demand that people jump through a number of hoops before they could be near him.
He drew people to him. He sought out people wherever they were at.
That's incredible to me. There was something about Jesus that communicated to people that they were welcomed and accepted and desired. Even the people that the culture rejected. Even the people that religion called "unclean" or "unacceptable".
I think the disciples had a view of God that was much like mine. When people tried to bring their little children to Jesus, the disciples tried to keep them away. After all, didn't they realize how important this man was? But Jesus insisted that the children be brought to him, even declaring that the kingdom of God belonged to these little ones.
How long did I labor under the impression that Father only accepted the good, the pure, the put-together, the have-all-the-answers, the committed? How long did I kill myself trying to become "good enough"?
Yes, I heard that God loves. But everything I read between the lines told me that God only really likes people who are doing all the right things to be a "good Christian". And the overwhelming message was that it was all up to me.
In the end, that really created a self-centered brand of Christianity. I was only focused on making myself good enough for God to love. I totally missed the fact that Father was at work all around me and inviting me to join him in what he was doing. I missed the fact that as his beloved child I get to engage him and walk with him through life. I thought I had to get certain areas of my life fixed up before he would be welcome there, but instead I get to invite him into my pain and my anger and my doubt and learn to rest in his love in the very midst of all my struggles.
One of the most wonderful revelations of the past several years it that there is actually no space at all between Father and me. There is no separation, we have become one. And it's all because of Father! He was the one that reconciled the world to himself, that drew me to him, that replaced my old heart with a new one. He is the author and perfecter of faith, he started it and he completes it. I am invited to respond to Father, to join him in what he is doing, but there is no burden on me to become something that is acceptable to him.
All those times I was begging God to come down from heaven, to meet with me, to have some sort of experience that would change my life . . . he was already there. He had already destroyed anything that could separate us, I just wasn't aware of it. I'm still learning to respond to his rhythms, to join him in the midst of day-to-day life, but I no longer feel the need to try to earn what I already have.
It's always nice to learn that you've already been given that which you've been trying so hard to earn.
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