The Tension In Between

I don't know why, but I hate saying "God is teaching me [insert virtue here]."  Having said that, I think God's been trying to teach me about patience lately.  Or maybe he's teaching me about courage or humility and I'm totally misreading things.  Actually, that seems much more likely.

But let's move ahead with the assumption that in some capacity I'm learning about patience.  Something that has struck me is how different things are when there's an end in sight.  If I knew I was starting a new job on June 1st, these next few months would be quite bearable.  Any frustrations I encountered would only be temporary.  Pushing on is much easier with the finish line in sight.

But what if there's no end date?  What if you're stuck in an undesired situation and you feel that it's not time to move on yet?  What do you fill the meantime with? 

http://ninapaley.com/mimiandeunice/2010/08/09/patience/

My biggest struggle recently is feeling like I'm just wasting time.  I'm stuck in the tension between my current situation and whatever is coming next. With no timeline, I'm not sure what kinds of things I should put off for now.

Should we buy a house?  Start a family?  Is it a time to settle down or be prepared for a change?  Are we staying in Syracuse or moving elsewhere?  Should I look for advancement in my current job or check out opportunities in other fields?

And in the midst of this tension I feel like . . . a loser.  I do.  I feel paralyzed by the fact that I simply don't know what to do.  How do you plan for what's next when you don't know what, where, or when it is? I'm treading water and searching for a glimpse of the shore.

Maybe what much of this is revealing is my obsession with control.  I often find it difficult to let go of my need to be in control of whatever is going on in my life.  But like I wrote in the post about finding the end of my rope, maybe this loss of control is a good thing.  Maybe it will open my eyes to more of Father's goodness, bring more assurance of his unfailing love, affirm my identity as his beloved child.

Could it be that the issue is not patience, but trust?   Am I simply not trusting Father to be all of who he is?  If I trust Father and believe he'll take me to the right place at the right time, maybe I can learn to relax and simply engage in the moment. But it seems that all too quickly I take my eyes off Him and go back to examining my situations, searching for answers, growing frustrated once more. 

Deep breath . . . relax . . . trust.  Let's try this again.

Maybe there's no end in sight, but perhaps there are some beginnings.