Relaxed Jesus

After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”

“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”

Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”

“Then, Lord,” Simon Peter replied, “not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

(John 13:5-9)

When I started reading my Bible again a while ago I started with the gospel of John, one of my favorite books. Part of it is because I love the fact that John calls himself "the disciple that Jesus loved". Whatever he tapped into that enabled him to call himself that, I want some of that too.

I really like Peter's responses in the account of Jesus washing the disciples' feet. I like that he was so eager to do whatever was necessary in order for him to have more of Jesus (even if he managed to still miss the point).

But this time I saw something new, something I'd never noticed before in my dozen or so readings. What hit me was verse 7 (in bold). I had been totally ignorant of this side of Jesus. 

Jesus was not hung up on whether Peter understood what was going on.  His plans were not hindered by Peter's lack of comprehension.  Jesus didn't stop the whole event and refuse to move on until Peter could finally get his head around what was happening. 

When Peter reacted out of ignorance, Jesus simply acknowledged that Peter did not know what was going on at the moment.  He didn't demand that everyone be on the same page, He didn't get frustrated by one person's confusion.  He just reassured Peter that what was difficult to understand now would make sense later.

This is not the Jesus I used to know.  I lived in a state of constant fear that my ignorance or stupidity would somehow ruin God's grand plan for my life.  I worried that I was lagging behind everyone else, being held back by my lack of comprehension.  Never had I envisioned Jesus simply smiling at me and saying, "It's okay, you don't need to understand it all now, you'll get it later." 

I thought understanding was paramount.  That it all rested on my maturity and knowledge.  I had completely missed the point God is the author and I am simply offered the opportunity to join Him in what He is doing. 

It turns out that Jesus is much more relaxed about the process than I am.  He is okay with letting me process things at my own speed, not growing impatient and demanding that I reach a certain level of maturity within a certain time frame.  As much as I beat myself up for not "getting it" quick enough, He is gracious and loving and kind and full of patience.

So now I will try not to get so hung up about understanding.  I want to learn to simply enjoy and be a part of what He is doing, even if I don't have all the pieces to the puzzle.  Maybe I'll get it later. 

Frustrated

I feel frustrated. I feel stifled, stymied, stuck, stagnant. I feel like I've put life on hold until our next "big move" and I'm sick of it. I want to engage, share life, explore relationships, delight in others, tackle adventures, walk with God.

I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching life pass by. I'm tired of putting off life events because we're not in the right place for them yet. I'm tired of paying rent instead of having a house . . . tired of living in Syracuse instead of a vibrant city teeming with life and opportunities . . . tired of dying slowly in a gray cubicle instead of working at a job that challenges and fulfills.

But I'm also scared of putting down roots here. I'm scared of settling for something dull and boring and soul-crushing. I'm scared that if we have kids and find a house here, even if we just say it's "for a couple years", I'll wake up one morning 30 years from now wondering what happened to my life.

Is that an incredibly selfish way to look at things? Yes, yes it is.

 I want to walk with God through this journey, I really do. I want to relax into the reality of His love, of knowing that everywhere I am is somewhere good because I'm there with Him.

But I am scared. And I am frustrated.

And I sit here in this uncomfortable tension between forcing a change and resigning myself to the present reality. Every job I've had (except for one) has pretty much been offered to me out of the blue. Only once did I get a job by going out and looking and applying (and that turned out to be a month of hell). Do I wait for God to bring me to the next step? Or am I being passive and lazy by not actively pursuing opportunities?

I know the answer, that's the crazy part. I know the answer is simply to let go of this and walk with God and only be concerned about where we are today and what's going on right now. I know a journey with Father that takes me to a place I'd never expect is infinitely better than a trek on my own to my desired location.

But I'm still scared. I'm still frustrated.