Grace for the Least Deserving

For the past decade or so, it seems that most of what I've been learning about has to do with Love and Grace.  These themes have been pretty constant - learning about God's grace and love for us, how we in turn extend this toward others, etc.  For the most part I feel like I'm beginning to get it.  I'm starting to understand Father's incredible affection for us and I'm getting better at identifying how to extend grace to others.

Lately, though, I've run into a problem.  It seems that there's a certain someone that I just can't quite extend grace toward.  I feel like they've had enough excuses, that they just need to get it together and do better.  This person is like a black hole, sucking up so much grace that they can't possibly deserve any more.

This person . . . is me.

Maybe it's because I feel that I know myself so well.  Maybe it's that my excuses ring hollow to me and that I'm privy to all my secret thoughts and motivations.  It's like knowing someone who is horrifically addicted to drugs and asks you for some money to cover their rent.  You know that money is going straight to their dealer, so maybe you pause a moment before pulling our your wallet.

Me, deserve more grace?  You must be out of your mind.

But that right there perfectly illustrates how often I still misunderstand grace.  The fact that I can't extend it to myself because I "don't deserve any more" shows that I'm not defining grace the way Father does.

The truth, though, is that I think it does take some audacity to be fully loved.  It's never been easy for me to say, "Yes, I am often selfish, I do screw up, I do have a negative impact on other people's lives . . . and I am fully, completely, unconditionally loved."

Through my faults, my failures, and my fears . . . regardless of action or attitude . . . in selfishness and sin . . . for every moment of every day of my entire existence . . . I am absolutely, mind-blowingly, incomprehensibly loved beyond my ability to imagine.  No matter what, I simply can't stop Father from loving me.  It is beyond my power to dampen his love in the slightest.  I can not forfeit it, I cannot run from it, there is nowhere to hide.

I am loved.

The question is this - dare I receive it?  Do I have the audacity to celebrate Father's unfailing love for me even in the moments when I feel that I can't love myself?  Can I learn to extend grace toward myself the way I want to extend it toward every other person who's fallen, screwed up, and
made a mistake?

Instead of trying to climb out of the pits I've dug, to clean off the mud and muck, to dress myself up real nice so that I finally feel deserving of being loved . . . do I let him love me out of these situations?  Do I let his love and grace achieve what all my stress and striving never could?

Do I dare be loved?

Yeah, I think I do.

Messiness

Lately my biggest frustration has been . . . me.  I know there are myriad issues I need to work on, to grow in, to resolve.  One of my biggest weaknesses, however, has been facing issues head-on.  I am the king of ignoring, of finding distractions, of burying my head in the sand.

So time goes by and nothing gets better.  I don't even know how to talk out loud about this, words fail me every time I try.  I'm so far from where I feel I should be and for the life of me I can't see a path that gets me there.

Tearing everything down and starting over is an incredibly seductive idea.  I don't know how to be the person I'm supposed to be and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying.  Neither running away or clinging to the status quo seems like a viable option.

So I may crumble.  I may fall apart.  I may be on the verge of becoming a complete mess for a little while.  I'm not handling life very well at the moment.  And trust me, no one is sicker of all these "wha-wha" moments than I am.

But I am more fortunate than many.  I have a wonderful wife, good family, and the most fantastic friends you could ever ask for.  I feel like I need to apologize to them all in advance for the fact that I'm going to be bleeding all over them for a while.

Even though I keeping saying this, I never do it - I need to let go.  Timelines, expectations, goals, aspirations . . . I'm like that guy spinning plates.  No matter how much I run from one to another, I can barely keep them from falling.  Well, maybe some of them need to fall.

I don't know what Father has been saying to me lately.  I haven't really been listening.  I suspect he's simply been inviting me to know him, to find rest and peace and life in him.  Why does something so simple seem so impossible?

All I can do is stress about jury duty and work and rent and car payments and not having my shit together.  Even when I'm ignoring things, burying myself in the latest distraction, I'm not truly at rest.  It's more that I'm immobilized by fear and stress.  When things get too intense, I just shut down.

So let's try this again . . . for the 22nd time or whatever.  Let's try letting go of stuff I really don't need to be holding onto.  Let's try being active in rest, rather than passive in turmoil.