Angst and Apathy

Lately, I've found myself simply coasting.  There's been a certain apathetic reluctance to engage in the spiritual.  It's not that God has become undesirable or uninteresting necessarily, just that I've allowed myself to be busy and distracted.

It's true that I have an unfortunate enthusiasm for chasing myriad distractions.  My "free" hours each day are easily filled by Netflix, sports, video games, and books.  And the whole buying a house adventure certainly demanded a lot of my attention for a while (and quite fairly I think).  None of those things are bad, of course, but as DFW would say,

". . . the insidious thing about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that they're unconscious. They are default settings."

It's not really that I've been making bad choices, I simply haven't been making any choices.  I've floated along, letting each little whim take me where it will.

Actually, that's overstating it a bit.  It's not like I've been spiritually bankrupt, but I have noticed an itch for something deeper.  But that takes me to a somewhat conflicting realization: I've lost my angst.

Oh, how I remember those years of angst.  Always desperate, always pushing in, pressing in, digging deeper, begging for more, making promises and commitments and covenants . . .

It was so exhausting.  Just a soul-crushing cycle of fervor, burnout, and "renewal".  I have absolutely no desire to go back to that place.  As Father has revealed the depths of his love and affection over the last decade or so, all that desperation and angst has slowly faded away.  There's no more fear about missing out on what God is doing, or of disappointing him, or feeling some need to work up some type of supernatural experience.  I have found fullness and completion in him, love and affection that carry me through every circumstance, grace for every failure and joy in every sorrow.

Not that I'm claiming I've arrived or reached the peak of spiritual knowledge and wisdom, far from it.  More than ever I am aware of my incredible ignorance and lack of understanding.  But I've found peace in situations that used to terrify me, a calm and comfort that certainly seems to come from something beyond myself.

And that's the conflict.  Am I truly apathetic or just finally moving into a serenity born of fellowship with Father?  Is there room to be more intentional in my relationship without regressing into angst?  Is it just that I have a hard time comprehending why there seems to be fruit developing in my life at a time that my effort is nearly nonexistent?

Maybe this is simply a season of discovering that all the years of striving and working could not produce any lasting fruit while the simple surrender of relaxing into Father's love has untwisted much of the fear and frustration that resided in my heart.  It's possible some of what I'm feeling is an echo of the guilt that used to plague me for never doing enough.  I suppose I'll probably be wrestling with this for the rest of my life, trying to find that balance between devotion and surrender, intentionality and relaxation.

I want to learn to be present and engaged, ready to respond to each of Father's invitations to join Him in this dance, but not so over eager that I try to build something of my own effort and strength.  This seems to be a delicate walk and I have no doubt that I will often stumble off both sides of the path.  But grace, always grace, will bring me back.