I Need . . .

I really need to get it together.

I need to be on top of things.

I need to manage my time better.

I need to clean off my desk at home, and contribute more toward keeping the apartment clean.

I need to be a more productive employee.

I need to do make better meals for myself and stop relying on oatmeal, cereal, and PB&J for dinner.

I need to be more fiscally responsible.

I need to be more generous with my time and money.

I need to grow up, to be a freaking adult.

I need to get over myself, to let go of all my stupid hang-ups.

I need to be a better, more attentive husband.

I need to be a more faithful friend.

I need to not be so angry when the Yankees lose.

I need to stop wasting so much time on the internet.

I need to be a better son, and write more e-mails to my mom.

I need to step up and be a good older brother.

I need to stop making the same stupid mistakes over and over again.

And so I bring these needs to Father and expect his help. After all, he wants me to be a better person, right? Surely he'll give me the strength to improve in all the areas I'm failing so horribly. But it seems he always takes me somewhere else -

The need to be assured of the Father's affection.

The need to know a God who smiles, and even laughs.

The need to know forgiveness, and mercy that cleanses me to the core.

The need to experience grace amidst my failures. Daily.

And, most importantly, the need to let the process work. To let life and relationship replace 10 easy steps to self-improvement. To let go of my timeline, my agenda, my goals, my control.

Are those other needs important? I think they are. I think Father cares about them too. But I'm wondering if maybe it's possible to become much more efficient and effective in what I do, but still miss the point. Maybe it's not so much about what I am, as who I am. Maybe the process works from the inside out.

And, of course, maybe I'm talking out my ass.