I go through periods of really hating this blog. It doesn't live up to my idealized expectations. I am neither witty nor profound. I want to go back and delete a number of my posts, or at least severely edit them. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write much of it.
Even though this isn't really read by many people (and trust me, I'm ok with that), it still bothers me that this doesn't represent my "best work". I force myself to hit "publish post" as soon as I'm done with my first draft, for better or worse. I cringe when I read it later, seeing numerous flaws that I itch to correct.
But I don't. In my search for honesty, transparency and vulnerability I let it all sit out there. I've tried so long to manipulate everyone's perception of me that to simply blurt out some fear or hurt is near torturous. It's entirely possible that this is an incredibly stupid idea. It wouldn't be the first time. But I've become so sick of the masks and illusory projections that I want to rip the curtain back. The Wizard is a sad, little man.
Please trust me on this - I'm not looking for sympathy or validation. I'm in a transitional period that's lasted the better part of a decade now. It's not particularly pretty, it's just me. And trying to be more than just me has gotten me in some pretty bad places in the past.
It's good man. I like it. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteThanks man. It's good for me to write this stuff, I just have a hard time letting go of trying to control everyone's perception of me.
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